The day I began to claim the space that my body occupies in this world as my own, was the day that I allowed my body to become part of someone else’s work of art.
Closeup, smiling figure. Artwork copyright 2013, Amy Caisia Liu.
For the past two years, I have been engaged in a continuing project to free myself to experience joy, following a lifetime of self-repression. The project has evolved into an ongoing commitment to go beyond my comfort zone in at least one area every week. With each lovingly chosen adventure, I have expanded my personal world and reclaimed a little more of my vibrant woman’s heart.
Some of the pleasures of life I have reclaimed and rediscovered along the way:
- wearing clothes that match my style and self image
- speaking up with a voice that is my own
- embracing my unique gender identity and expression
- writing poetry
- sisterhood
- best-friendship
- dancing
- dating
- singing
- spoken word performance
- activism
- peer counseling
- sensuality
- sexuality
- physical exercise
- spirituality
- fiction writing
- drawing
- painting
What all of these have in common, is the shift from being withdrawn and hidden from the world, to being fully myself and fully engaged with my body, my mind, and the wonderful people around me. Last Sunday, the day I began to claim the space that my body occupies in this world as my own, was the day that I allowed my body to become part of someone else’s work of art. I added one more item to my list:
- modeling.
I was preparing to attend my first gathering of the Femme-inist Art and Culture Circle which is run by my friend, the professional artist and feminist theologian Amy Caisia Liu. In a moment of boldness, I had volunteered to be backup model for the next figure drawing session. The day of the gathering, I had the strongest feeling that I would be modeling, so I had sought advice from my niece who has done figure modeling in the past. She warned about stress positions, pointing out that any position can be agonizing if you have to hold it very long, so make sure your muscles and joints are supported and at ease with every position you take.
I trimmed my pubic hair to less than my usual shaggy bush, took a shower, brushed my teeth, applied a little makeup to even out my complexion, washed my hair, and got dressed in an attractive skirt and top, tights and boots. I made sure it was something I could take off easily, and went without my usual jewelry. I grabbed my drawing supplies and my dish for the potluck afterward, and drove to the impromptu studio where six of us were planning to meet.
Amy was wonderful, putting me at ease, and we talked for half an hour while we waited for the others to arrive. I kept picturing myself naked in front of a group of artists (in this very room!) and my heart would beat faster.
When the model called, she was very ill and apologetic that she couldn’t make it. The other artists also were unable to make it, so with just the two of us, Amy turned to me and said, ‘Should we go ahead and start? We could take turns with the modeling.’ I said, ‘Sure, why don’t I go first.’ My pulse raced and I could feel my heart in my throat.
Standing pose. Artwork copyright 2013, Amy Caisia Liu.
I carefully took off all of my clothing in reverse order from how had put it on, and stacked it neatly to the side of my unused drawing board and sketchpad. Removing the last of my clothing, I was a little nervous, but if Amy was surprised by my appearance it didn’t show on her face. The feeling I had was the same as I remember as a teenager when I would swim unclothed in the ocean, or go running in the hills behind our cabin wearing nothing but my shoes. Free.
I told her I would like to do some more challenging short poses to start with, and concentrated on posing in the most expressive way I knew how, imagining that I was the artist.
I was surprised by how long I was able to hold the difficult standing, reaching, and leaning poses; with pride I realized that I was in better shape than I allowed myself to think. I didn’t push it, just carefully balanced the tensions in my body so that the poses held me up, and I just became each pose. A deep calm came over me, as I became fully present in my body, and my sense of personal boundary, usually contained tightly within my skin, expanded to the room, as if I was radiating who I was at the same time that I was reflecting light and casting shadow.
Madeline. Three poses. Artwork copyright 2013, Amy Caisia Liu.
I also felt a special bond to the artist who was sketching me. We talked from time to time while we worked. I have probably spent 100 hours doing nude figure drawing over the years, but this was the first time I was on the other side of the drawing board. It was… liberating. After the short poses, often following one stretch with an opposing one to passively work out the kinks from the last pose, I settled into some long poses and just became a feeling, an image, an idea. At an hour, Amy asked if I wanted to switch, and I honestly said that I loved the opportunity to get some experience, and would prefer to model for the second hour as well. In truth, it was just too pleasant an experience to give up so soon. The two hours went by faster than I thought possible, and reluctantly I dressed. It felt strange to wear clothes again. Then to celebrate the holiday season we had our own little potluck, while we discussed theology, aesthetics, feminism, vocation, and the things we had in common.
Even a week later I still feel different, stronger, more confident in my skin. Family members, friends, even my shrink have commented on it. Seeing myself no longer as a collection of flaws to be judged, but as a lovely, human, whole being to be perceived and appreciated (just as I always have done of the women and men I have had the pleasure to draw or paint or sculpt) has put me in a better place, permanently I think.
I am not exactly like any other being. But I am me, and that is a beautiful thing to be. Just a woman, just a living breathing work of art.
Related articles
- Nude modeling and body image: The workshop report (blogs.montrealgazette.com)
- Baring Their Testimonies: Mormon Women Get Naked for the Camera (religiondispatches.org)
Maddie She Writes 